Hieeee

Greetings…
My name’s yours…
What’s Alaska?

Everybody, welcome to the show
The rules of engagement are really quite simple
So if you could pull yourself away from Grindr for two seconds, listen up

The use of flash photography is strictly mandatory
Do you think I look like this just so I can exist in your feeble memory? HA!
Take a picture and I’ll last forever!
Get your drinks now, people
The more you drink, the prettier we look

Is this your boyfriend, honey? Not anymore
Tipping is compulsory
If you don’t know what compulsory means, I’ll spell it out for you
Tip. These. Men!

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap, darling!
Be kind to your entertainers
If you see a flaw, squint
If you see a bulge, don’t be mad!
Some of the most beautiful women in the world have gigantic penises!
If you see something you don’t like
Something unseemly or offensive
Something vile or disgusting
We’ll be happy to take your complaints after the show
At the corner of ‘fuck you and go fuck yourself!’
I’ll see you there! Bring a sweater

If you think you can do better, sweetheart, I implore you
Put on a wig and mash your mouth around to other people’s music for 4 and a half minutes
It’s not as easy as it looks!
Do you need a hairpiece? Here, you can borrow mine!

Show generosity to these monstrosities!
Respect, kindness, compassion!
And most of all
Whenever possible
Tell us we look gorgeous
Tell us we look gorgeous
Tell me I look gorgeous!
Do I look gorgeous? (YEAH!)
Okay, but how about sexy? (YEAH!)
Okay, alright, but how about sensual? (YEAH!)
Alright, but how about breathtaking? Jeez! (YEAH!)
I swear it’s like pulling teeth to get a little tiny compliment out of you people!
Now let’s review everybody

Your makeup is terrible
If you’re not wearing nails, you’re not doing drag
Don’t ever touch my hair
Anus
I love your pussy
Give me all your money
Absolutely!
Come on nature!
Come on natch!
Come on build-up!
OKURRRR?!

Hieeee!
Hieeee!
(Wha- wha- wha- wha-)
(Wha- wha- wha- wha-)
Hieeee!
Everybody, everywhere
Everybody, everywhere
Hieeeeeee!
Hieee, hieee, hie-hie-hi-hi-hi-hi
Hieeeeeeee!