Love Is

I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler’s Father needed to learn to pull out
And I want you, yeah, like a Lawyer/Mathematician wants some kind of proof
And I want you, yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof
Because love is taking that dive, then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool
And love is a real life porn, minus all the stuff that makes porn cool
And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate and even though he’s heart broken, he can’t complain because he was hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the pope’s toilet loves holy craps… (that’s a little one)
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland Ranch
And I want you, yeah, like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same, never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank… wanted nobody to read her FUCKING diary (because a diary is a collection of secret things that nobody’s supposed to know, that’s the whole point of a diary. Millions of people that have breached this little girls privacy after she was chased by Nazis… kick her while she’s down)

And if we met in 10, 000 BC, I was your caveman, yous my cavelady…
If we got hot, we’d start rubbin’
If we got hungry, we’d go clubbin’
There’s willy mammoths, I’ll protect us, you’re makin’ me devolve to a homo erectus, mothafucka
And if we met in 1780, I would be a white southern aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady… slave
Whenever I could get away from the Missus, I go to your she’d then I’d steal you kisses
But let’s be serious, I’d still work you full-time as a slave, there’s a difference between romantic language and complete disregard for social economic trends
If it was 1941, I was a Nazi, yous a Gypsy on the run, that’s a little redundant
That… probably wouldn’t have worked out…
Because…

Love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch and dinner
And love is the Holocaust, if you don’t die quick and you don’t get thinner
And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles
And even though you started with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, now you don’t want to reduce it at all cause if the rape rate declines then you’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales…
Without rapists, who’s gonna buy your whistles?

Yeahhhh, love is all about… Whistles. Thank you.

[Talking to Audience]

Yeah, that one was a bit vulgar, but ah ya know, dicks and vaginas are sorta like Coke and Pepsi, ya know? Ah, I strongly prefer one, but my Dad thinks they both taste the same.