Poems

That’s a poem by a dog
Roses are grey
Violets are a different shade of grey
Let’s go chase cars

Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
You, with your muscular teeth
And your clockwise vagina

I put a chameleon on a red dildo
No
He blushed
There we go

This is a poem about beauty
About self-image
And about the ability to transform
Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon
So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
And after a week, she finally emerged
She smelled like shit. What a psycho

You’re incomparable, like a

I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!
I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins
By the ankles and bash your rib cage in!
I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band
Stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers!
I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car
So I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!
I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash
And somehow not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital
Thank you, that’s called: Dad

This is a poem, it’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children
But I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn
The squares lived happily in their square houses with their square yards in their square town
But, then one day a family of circles moved in from the West!
Get outta here, roundies! ‘ shouted one of the squares
Why? , asked one of the circles
‘Cause this is a metaphor for racism!

When I walk into a party, you’d think I was one of those long, straight Tetris pieces
Cause everyone’s like, ‘oh yeah, this guy’s here
Finally, we’ve been waiting for him to show up
Like you wait in the game- forget it, I mean
No! You had your chance

If I had a million dollars, I’d pay your mother to have sex with me
Afterwards, I’d invest in the remaining $999, 990
$10 for sex with your mother!
Comedy!
I smell comedy
Well, it was comedy giving off that scent

And finally
Mid-October with leaves spilled like pencil shavings
The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions
And me
Eating that pussy, baby!

Thank you guys so much