Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday

And now the grand old opera theater proudly presents
a special holiday edition of the Adventures of the Kung Pao Buckaroos

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay
It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday

We catch up with our three cowboys one cold
December night huddled around the camp fire.

How ‘bout we sing some holiday songs?
Yeah, hey George, you wanna lead us off?
Yeah, I got one.

Oh Chri-biip-mas tree oh Chri-biip-mas tree how lovely are thou branched?

Why am I getting blipped again?
Haven’t you heard guys? You can’t say Chri-biip-mas you gotta say Holiday
I can’t say Chri-biip-mas?
No you might offend somebody.
Who is offended by Chri-biip-mas?
You know you might offend the biiiip and the biiiip and the atheists.
What?
Time to politically correct.

I’ll lead this off.

On the first day of Chri-biip-mas my true love said to me?

Jimmy, are you listening?
What?
You can’t say Chri-biip-mas.
Why not?
You can say biiiip on the last record.
Why can’t I say Chri-biip-mas?
I didn’t make the rules.
Hey listen guys, it’s not that difficult,
all you gotta do is change Chri-biip-mas to Holiday.
You know, instead of saying white Chri-biip-mas, you say
I’m dreaming of a whi-biiip Holiday.
Why did I get blipped?
You’ve got to say Caucasian.
So I have to sing, I’m dreaming of a Caucasian holiday?
Sure, that won’t offend anybody.

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay

Why do these people have to feel that way?
How come they get offended so easily?

It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday

I’m just trying to come up with a song here.
Let’s sing one together, everybody ready? George?
Ready.
Bill your ready?
I’m ready.
Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?
Okay!

We three kings of biiiiiiiiip are bearing gifts we’ve traveled real far

Sorry boys, you have to say Asia now.
What?
Oh, come on just try.

We three kings of Asia are

That sounds like horse biiiip
Oh lord, okay. How ‘bout Little Drummer boy?
Nope, that offends short people.
And you can’t say drummer ‘cause that will offend real musicians.

How ‘bout little town of meddle hell.
What’s this with all the short jokes?

Hey how ‘bout we do Silent Night?
No, it’ll offend people who’s hard to hear and afraid of the dark.
What did he say about a shark?
Shark?

This happens every year.

Well, it’s a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say,
If you’re easily offended well that’s okay,
It’s a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday.

Hohoho!
No.
I can’t say ho?
No you might offend some women.
So basically we can’t sing anything?

I think that a bunch of bull biiiip.
Softer George it’s more effective.
I think that a bunch of bull biiiip.
You now what? I don’t care who we offend,
I’m gonna sing Chri-biip-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-biip-mas carols.
Louder man it’s more effective.
I don’t care who we offend,
I’m gonna sing Chri-biip-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-biip-mas carols.
Me too.

We wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas,
we wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas, and a happy ne-biip year.

We can’t say new, it’ll offend the old folks.
And you never wanna offend them.