Curse My Name

I slept on the floor
I knew that it was coming
And I think I destroyed the lining in my stomach
And I almost thought I would stay
You said you only sleep alone
You drove me home, your eyes bitter and vacant
‘Cause we settled for sex and awkward conversation
And I think Indiana likes to keep the lonely feeling low
And summer turns to fall
And still I’ll say it’s not my fault, but it is
And the world still spins whether I’m alright or not
So I’ll lash out and call it art ‘cause that’s the best defense I’ve got

I swear I heard my name before I heard the subject change
You’re staring at the floor
And I’m still wasting energy on shaking, pacing, inner demons
And shame is nothing but pursuit of grace
I’d rather push them both away
I say I hate this place
But I sit in my decay, delaying change

I still excel at acting like an innocent
If you take the blame, I’ll hide from any criticism
I went away and kept making incisions in your brain
Considered the cost of not letting you walk away
I guess it’s my loss
I never said that I was sane
And we’ll turn to dust like moths and I will still haunt this place
And the notes will descend like snow
And the words will make you cry
I’ll be a ghost of my old habits
And I’ll swear I’m right this time

I swear I heard my name before I heard the subject change
You’re staring at the floor
And I’m still wasting energy on shaking, pacing, inner demons
And shame is nothing but pursuit of grace
I talk to God every day
He doesn’t know my name
And I don’t have faith but it helps me still

To pray I’ll figure out how this will pan out
And I’m afraid but not enough to shut my damn mouth
My patience ran out
You know it feels kind of stupid to feel lonely
When I just keep pushing away
And I can’t count all the people that I’ve let down
I’ve made a mess
I know I’ve made a mess
You know it feels pretty useless
You’re the only one I just keep failing to save
And I can picture you crying in your bedroom
I’ve made a mess
I know I’ve made a mess
I always make a mess

I swear I heard my name before I heard the subject change
You’re staring at the floor
And I’m still wasting energy on shaking, pacing, inner demons
And shame is nothing but pursuit of grace
It’s like we’ve been awake for days
And I hear you curse my name
But the damn thing never fit me anyway