Year of the child

[JASON]
Baruch, baruch atah
Baruch atah Adonai
Baruch atah Adonai eloheinu
Melech haolam
Asher kidshanu, asher kidshanu
V’tzivanu l’hitateif batzitzit

[TRINA]
Jason dear, hello
Are you packed and waiting?
But before we go
Let me speak with father alone

Now as the bar mitzvah nears—
Jason, put your Walkerman on and hum
Since this is the last loving thing
We’ll probably ever do together
Let’s act adult and not go crazy

[MARVIN]
Have you chosen yet who’ll cater?

[TRINA]
What about it?

[MARVIN]
I know a person who can cater

[TRINA]
It’s a personal decision who should cater

[MARVIN]
Can we consider who’s gonna cater?

[TRINA]
Shh!

[MARVIN]
Please?

[TRINA]
Shh!

[MARVIN]
Please?

[TRINA]
Shh!

[MENDEL]
Stop! This is so much crap
Throw a simple party!
Religion’s just a trap
That ensnares the weak and the dumb
Stop with the prayers

[TRINA]
How can you stop with the prayers at a bar mitzvah?

[MENDEL]
The whole thing’s voodoo
And I know more than you do!

[MARVIN & TRINA]
This is the year of Jason’s bar mitzvah!
We’re more excited than we should be
This is the year of the child
When he spreads out his wings!
There’s music in his heart!
His life’s about to start!
His body’s going wild!
My child

[MARVIN]
My child

[TRINA]
Our child

[MENDEL]
Children, please
Throw the kid a celebration and relax
I’ll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks
We’ll have a ball!
I guess I’ll have to raise this Jason myself

MARVI[N]
Isn’t he an asshole?

[TRINA]———————[MENDEL]
Yes, he is.——————–My own bar mitzvah was

[MARVIN]
Isn’t he too much?———-A miserable occasion

[TRINA]
Yeah, but so are you——–The cause for such
Really, kiddo, so are you—-Abrasion in my family

[MARVIN]
Jesus, what an asshole!—-It still gives me hives
Jason, where’s my hug?

[TRINA]
Where’s my hug?

[MARVIN]
Where’s my hug?

[MARVIN, TRINA, & MENDEL]
This is the year for Jason’s bar mitzvah
This is the year for Jason’s bar mitzvah!

[Doorbell rings]

[CHARLOTTE]
Look, look, look, look, look
It’s a lesbian from next door!

[CORDELIA]
Followed by her lover
Who’s a lesbian from next door too!
And I’ve got food for you
Delicious food for you!
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine!

[TRINA]
Ah…

[CORDELIA]
Here’s dietetic knishes, gefilte fishes
Food that’s from the heart!
So take a bite and see
If all your friends agree
It’s good!

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, & CORDELIA]
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy yummy yummy yum!

We’ll have one perfect time!
We’ll spend billions of dollars!

[TRINA]
Conga!

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, & CORDELIA]
We’ll have flowers galore (Whoo!)
And the band will sound fine! (Whoo!)
There’ll be chandeliers set round the room
With the men in tuxedos!

There’ll be food, like food never before!
What a day to remember!
This is the year of Jason’s bar mitzvah!

[JASON]
They’re more excited than they should be

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, & CORDELIA]
This is the year of the child
When he spreads out his wings!
There’s music in his heart!
His life’s about to start!
His body’s going wild!
My
Child!