Cold Call

Lyrics Born: Lemme call this fool Gab

*”Mary Had a Little Lamb” dial*
*ring*
*ring*
*click*

Gift of Gab: Hello?
LB: ‘Sup, man?
GG: Chillin’
LB: Yea?
GG: Yea, ‘fin (?) to write these lyrics down.
What’s going on with you?
LB: Man… Nothing. Just… Whatever, dude
GG: Well why, w-wsup wsup?
LB: Nothing man. Just hella stressed
out about certain shit right now
Man, it’s hella personal shit going down
GG: Wow, like that?
LB: Yea, man, it’s kinda fast
One ‘a those moments where, like,
I don’t feel like I have control over my
life, and all the checks that were supposed to arrive didn’t
There’s hella politics now in my social life
over some bullshit somebody had
told sombody
GG: Daaamn
LB: Yea, man. So, you know, I shouldn’t even ‘of told you that
Man, I shouldn’t even unload like that
GG: Maaan
LB: I know. it’s just one ‘a those moments
in time where everything coincides
and it comes together at once and then it all collides
GG: Man, I feel that though
LB: Anyway, what’s goin’ on witchu?
GG: Aw, man *beep*, just tryin’ to do it. Hold on, man,
somebody’s on my other
line. Imma hit chu right back, aiite?
LB: (Coo)

*click*

Telemarketer: We wanna talk to you (hoo)
GG: I don’t wanna talk right now. I’m on the other line. I’m busy
TM: We wanna talk to you
GG: I said I don’t wanna talk right now. w-
TM: But we wanna talk to you (hoo ooo ooo)
GG: I don’t wanna talk right now!
TM: We wanna talk to you
GG: (Damn). I’m hangin’ up. I’m hangin’ up. BYE

*click*

GG: Hey yo, I’m back, man
LB: Cool, man. ‘Sup with it?
GG: Really, just trying not to think so much
LB: Mmm
GG: ‘n keep my feet up. Make this boy still (?).
Stopped smokin’ cigarettes
Butts not stinking up my room. Feelin’ I’ve this new diet
LB: Word?
GG: Really just trying to get my health right. Feelin’
I’m just like this crap
coolin’ out. Writin’ raps. Chillin’- Chillin’
LB: Uhn
GG: Feel me?
LB: I feel it. I feel- Wait, man.
You stopped smoking all those Marlboros?
GG: Yep
LB: How long ago, man? I’m proud of you, bro
GG: Man, four weeks. I ain’t trippin’,
though, s’all good. Four weeks
Yo, man, you know me, (homie)
LB: Aw, you really think you smoke
more phillies since you quit and them
millions of little Virginia Slims?
GG: Originally I was smokin’ more of them anyway.
Really rememberin’ back to
when I wasn’t really into them since.
They was killin’ me, though
so I had to get rid of ‘em
Anyway, whatchu gettin’ into this wednesday, bro?
GG: Wednesday… *snap*
Let me think… *snap*
Was that the fifteenth? *snap*
Well see, the rent’s paid. *snap*
Got the Net’s game- *beep*
Hold on, my shit’s ringing

*click*

TM: We wanna talk to you (hoo)
LB: Ah…shii..
TM: We wanna talk to you
LB: I don- I don’t- I don’t wanna talk to you, though
TM: But we wanna talk to you (hoo ooo ooo)
LB: F*** this!
TM: We wanna talk to you
LB: Aite, check this out? I’m about to hang up on youuuu

*click*

LB: Alright, I’m back, man
GG: Hey, who was that, man?
LB: Fuckin’ telemarketers callin’
my apartment offerin’ nothing, botherin’ me
constantly, (man)
GG: Yea, always just stalkin’ cats.
There should be laws against this nonsense
LB: First of all, what kind of a person
gets involved with these vermin making
service calls?
GG: “Can I call you by your first name, Tom?”
Man, that ain’t workin’ *beep*
Wait, hold on, that echo again, man.
This shit’s irkin’ me. I’m about to
talk to ‘em. Hold on
LB: Naw, f*** that, I’m gone-

*click*

GG: Hello?
Gertrude Warner: Hello,
am I speaking to the head of the household, sir?
GG: No
GW: Perfect. My name is Gertrude Warner,
and I’ve got some super news!
GG: This isn’t a good time
GW: Sure it is. We understand you may be feeling a little nervous
GG: Nah uh
GW: Now, we could send a representative right out
GG: I don’t really need anything at this time
GW: Oh, I doubt that. Anyway, your address is two two four-
GG: No!
GW: Yes, I know, too. Is evening time better for you or is daytime?
GG: No time at-
GW: Perfect! You deserve only the best service.
First thing thursday, then
GG: No!
GW: Perfect. Eight thirty it is, you early bird
Now, my supervisor will be calling
you back to confirm this purchase
GG: I DIDN’T AGREE TO NOTHIN’!
GW: Certainly
This is Gertrude Warner, your (GG: The f***??)
courtesy clerk, saying
goodbye and thank you for choosing us, sir

*click*
*dial tone*

GG: …Wha??

*click*

GG: Yo, LB? LB?

TM: We wanna talk to you (hoo)
GG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
TM: We wanna talk to you
TM: But we wanna talk to you (hoo ooo ooo)
TM: We wanna talk to you- talk to you- talk to you-

*click*
*dial tone*

Sample: If you’d like to make a call, please
hang up- please hang up, and try
again. x2