Press Conference

[RACHEL]
Hello
Thank you all for coming out today
At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference
For the negative voices inside my head
First question
Yes, you?

[DANNY]
Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times
Uh, what makes you think you’re so special? Whoop dee doo

[RACHEL]
Uh, I actually don’t think I’m special
Next question

[KEITH]
Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle
Um, who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

[RACHEL]
You know, I actually feel really good about myself
I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I’ve met a lot of goals this year

[KEITH]
Follow-up question
What do you think 13-year-old you would say
If she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park
She’s making songs about dicks?

[RACHEL]
I think she’d be really proud of me
Next question

[JACK]
Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly
Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you’ve eaten today is frosting?

[RACHEL]
No comment

[KEITH]
Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris
That today you’ve masturbated four times
To the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland?

[RACHEL]
Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault
Next question

[MOTHER]
Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine
Do you really think you’ll ever measure up to your sister
And her award-winning chicken restaurant?

[FATHER]
This is your father with the Why the Fuck Are You So Fat Tribune
Why the fuck are you so fat?

[RACHEL]
I don’t know why I’m so fat, Dad!

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]
Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special
The dish at your sister’s restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote
The best piece of chicken I have ever tasted

[RACHEL]
Yes?

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]
You’re a whore