It's Not Interesting

I say there’s more hurt than happy in my mind
Each time my chest aches
Like I can’t breathe deep right
But maybe I just don’t know myself that well
Or I’m up on the stage playing up the lies
Isn’t he miserable? Dylan, are you alright?
You’re the only one that I’ve talked to tonight
If I’m being honest, it’s only cause I’m scared

Maybe I should learn to love myself?
It always feels better staying down
Maybe I’ll be happy in the end?
Should I hold my breath and wait for it?

It’s the same way that I’ve always been
Talking shit for attention; complaining for the eyes
Telling every stranger I meet the same three stories
It’s not interesting
Feeling more paranoid than motivated
Turning down sex when I’m feeling depressed
And when I think I’m losing my mind
I have a chorus of voices who remind me that
Nothing you do is real
Nothing you feel is real
But it’s full of consequences

I’m spending a year out of my comfort zone
I don’t think I’ve ever been comfortable in my life
Or my own skin
So I spent a decade painting myself blue
Running from any hint of the truth
I’m far too old to complain about dying alone
When I’ve been the way I’ve been
And I don’t think I can fix this if I find God
There’s no drug in the world that could possibly wash this off
I can’t even go down to the river
And stick my fucking head in it
The feeling’s gone
Just let me come back home
Let me wash the dark away