Rosetta Stoned

Alrighty, then
Picture this if you will

10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes
In my ‘need to know’ pose, just outside of Area 51
Contemplating the whole ‘chosen people’ thingy
When just then a flaming stealth banana split the sky
Like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this
Cutting right angle donuts on a dime
And stopping right at my Birkenstocks
And me yelping, ‘holy fuc*** shit!’
Holy fuc*** shit!
Holy fuc*** shit!
Holy fuc*** shit!
Holy fuc*** shit!
Holy fuc*** shit!
Holy fuc*** shit!

Then the X-File being
Looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan
With Isabella Rossellini lips, and breath that reeked of
Vanilla Chig Champa
Did a slow-mo Matrix descent
Outta the butt end of the banana vessel
And hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw
And my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip
And all I could think was
‘I hope Uncle Quark here doesn’t notice
That I pissed my fuckin’ pants’

So light in his way, like an apparition, that
He had me crying out
‘Fuck me, it’s gotta be
The Deadhead Chemistry
The blotter got right on top of me
Got me seein’ E-motherfuckin’-T!’

And after calming me down
With some orange slices
And some fetal spooning
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose
He said, ‘You are the chosen one
The one who will deliver the message
A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
And a warning for those who do not’
Me, the chosen one
They chose me
And I didn’t even graduate from fuckin’ high school

You’d better
You’d better
You’d better
You’d better listen

Then he looked right through me
With somniferous almond eyes
Don’t even know what that means
Must remember to write it down
This is so real
Like the time Dave floated away
See, my heart is pounding
‘Cause this shit never happens to me

I can’t breathe right now!
It was so real
Like I woke up in Wonderland
All sorta terrifying
I don’t wanna be all alone
While I tell this story
And can anyone tell me why
You all sound like Peanuts parents?
Will I ever be coming down?
This is so real
Finally, it’s my lucky day
See, my heart is racing
‘Cause this shit never happens to me

I can’t breathe right now
You believe me, don’t you?
Please believe what I’ve just said!
See the Dead ain’t touring
And this wasn’t all in my head
See, they took me by the hand
And invited me right in
Then they showed me something
I don’t even know where to begin

Strapped down to my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I’m out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Can’t remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position
Such a heavy burden now to be the one
Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending
To write it down for all the world to see
But I forgot my pen
Shit the bed again
Typical

Strapped down to my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I’m out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Sunkist and Sudafed
Gyroscopes and infrared
Won’t help, I’m brain dead
Can’t remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed

I can’t remember what they said to me
Can’t remember what they said to make me out to be the hero
Can’t remember what they said
Bob help me!
Can’t remember what they said

Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
Don’t know, won’t know
God damn, shit the bed